Gaps in My Hyperfixation Schedule

Why is Veilguard still so far away??

Blood Price, my epic fantasy debut about a woman who pushes her limits in what she’ll pay to protect those she loves, is now out in the world. You can order it as a paperback, ebook or a signed copy. Thank you for all of your support! 🩸

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So, most people who know me know I’m a massive gamer.

It started as a hobby to connect with my younger brother as he was a kid and I was in middle-school (as I am ten years his senior). We bonded together over a PS2, playing games like Kingdom Hearts, LOTR: The Third Age and Baldur’s Gate 1 + 2. To this day, as I’m in my thirties and he his twenties, what connects us the most is that we’re both avid gamers. He always kept with the hobby, switching from console to PC and playing a wide range of games, often at their hardest difficulty and achieving Platinum trophies.

It took me a bit longer to become as dedicate as I am now¹. I got distracted by school and when I left for college, the PS3 we’d upgraded to stayed at home, since it was technically his. Yet I would play through his catalogue of games during the summers when I’d go home for break and eventually, I’d convince my parents to get him a PS4 so I could steal the PS3 and take it with me to grad school (stint no. 1)².

Now, a few decades into being a gamer, I would label it my main hobby, even above reading or writing.³ I’ve been so lucky to play such a wealth of games and see the evolution of representation in these few decades. Being able to confidently know I’ll get to play as a female character in my next favorite game and can romance a woman, a man or both in said game is such a breath of fresh air compared to when I was a kid.

This is all long-winded to say how much video games mean to me. Almost no franchise more than Dragon Age, which was the one that really got me hooked and showed me an entire new realm of possibility, switching me from a casual gamer to a dedicated enthusiast.

As you prolly know if you’re a longtime reader of this newsletter (or follow me anywhere else), I’ve spent since June replaying the first three installments of the series, in preparation for Veilguard’s release, this Halloween. There has never been a more anticipated game for me than this. I’ve only waited a literal decade for this game to release.⁴

After beating the amazing Trespasser DLC for Inquisition, I’ve been at a loss of what to do next. Nothing else feels satisfactory when I know that Veilguard (at the time) was less than a month away (only two-ish weeks, now!).

Yet, as the days passed and I found myself not having a video game to sink into and hyperfixate over, the more depressed I got. Even though I knew there were plenty of other things I could do to fill my time—write more of my WIP, the sequel to Blood Price, read more books, perhaps even binge a show or watch a movie or two—it was hard to do anything, because my evenings were for relaxing by playing video games.

I’ve been wondering, lately, what it is that makes it so hard for me to not have a current video game hyperfixation. Is it as simple as video games being my favorite thing to do and not having one that interests me at the moment makes me sad? Or is it more complex than that?

Is it the routine and the comfort in it, knowing my free time is often spent with a PS controller in my hand? Is it the fact that if I know I’m going to play a video game, it lessens the decision-fatigue of trying to decide how to spend the evening and becoming paralyzed, only to not make a decision and feel like I wasted an evening? If it the fact that other hobbies (like reading and writing) sometimes feel like work and video games are the only thing left that feel like pure fun? A combo of the three? None of the above?

Honestly, I’m not sure. Something to unpack in therapy, I think. But, as someone who is undiagnosed, but fairly confident I have a combo of ADHD and autism (absolutely fucking neurodivergent on some level), I think that has something to do with how my brain works. Especially since this is not the first time this happened.

I was devastated when I beat Baldur’s Gate III for the first time because that hyperfixation was wonderful and glorious and addicting and then to not have that to look forward to for the first time was beyond crushing. I think I sat depressed and spent my evenings watching TikToks for like, two weeks straight, after beating it, I was so sad it was over. Nothing interested me. I ended up going back and playing through Larian’s backlog to get back to myself, but it took weeks.

I already know that playing Veilguard is going to be a dream. But beating it? It’s going to be hell.⁵

Still, despite this not being new and it’s usually an infrequent occurrence, since I’m lucky enough to have games I love and others I love to replay to help keep this at bay, it definitely is something I’m struggling with. I’d be curious if this connects with anyone and what your thoughts are, if it does?

Because while I love having a hobby that I’m so passionate about, the crash after each fixation burns out fucking sucks. 😅

*grumbles in waiting for Veilguard*

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Thanks for reading!

Here’s what I’m currently enjoying:

• Glimmer: Finally, after 90 degree heat slipping back into the forecast, this week, we have nothing but 60 and 70 degree weather. The windows are open. I am going outside every chance I get. It is bliss.

• Currently Reading: Escape Velocity by Victor Manibo. Highly enjoying this sci-fi mystery about classism.

• Currently Playing: VEILGUARD IS SO SOON I AM SALIVATING.

• Currently Listening To: Starset has snuck their way back into my rotation!

Until next,
Nicole 🖤

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1. Though don’t expect any Platinum’s or impressive feats over here. I’ll take my easy mode all day, thank you.

2. Which thank god I did, because while grad school attempt no. 1 sucked in many ways (some self-inflicted), beating the Mass Effect trilogy for the first time saved me that semester.

3. Don’t at me.

4. Ironically, the same span it took me to write, rewrite, edit and then publish my debut novel, Blood Price. Good things take took long, let’s hope? 😅 (As well as hope that both me and BioWare can move a bit swifter, moving forward lol.)

5. Depression incoming.